There is a very insightful Peanuts cartoon that starts out by showing Linus and Sally standing at the school bus stop. Sally says to Linus, "Has the bus come yet?" He answers "If it had, do you think I'd still be standing here?" She replies, "I was just trying to make conversation." He responds, "Well stop trying."
Sally could have responded in several ways at this point.
She could have said, "I'm not going to talk to you anymore because you're mean." or she could have given him a good swift kick, or she could have cried because he hurt her feelings, or she could have said, "I'm going to tell my big brother on you, and he'll beat you up" She did none of these things because she understood that it was Linus' problem, not hers.
By declining the above responses, she avoided the trap of making it her problem. Instead, Sally's response indicated that she knew how to communicate in a way that could be helpful to her friend.
The reason why few of us get the chance to discuss our problems is that most of the responses we receive from others are closed responses.
She said, "You must be having trouble with fractions, too, huh?
Sally's response was an open response. She took a chance and made a guess on what was really bothering Linus. She added the "huh" in case she was wrong. If she were wrong, Linus would have corrected her. So it was okay to guess.
Sally now gave Linus the opportunity to talk about how he really feels.
He probably would tell her because Sally had shown that she understood. Most people just want to be understood and listened to. People usually have within themselves the solution to their problems once they are given the opportunity to talk them out. Few of us are given this opportunity.
The reason why few of us get the chance to discuss our problems is that most of the responses we receive from others are closed responses.
They cut off communication and do not acknowledge our right to our feelings. Dr. Don Dinkmeyer and Dr. Gary McKay state in their programs for parents and teachers that most adults do not know how to handle feelings of anger, disappointment and fear when they are expressed. As a result, they tend to respond in terms of roles. The commander-in-chief orders you to stop feeling: "Take it easy, you'll raise your blood pressure."
The moralist tells you how to feel: "You shouldn't let him get you so upset." The know-it-all has all the answers: "If you had studied harder, you would have passed the test." The judge evaluates and pronounces sentence: "You're not hurt. Go back outside and play.
The critic uses ridicule: "You're acting like a baby."
The consoler treats feelings lightly to keep from becoming involved: "Things always work out for the best." All of these responses result in stopping further communication.
What is needed is for communication to be kept open especially when people are upset. The best way to do this is to try to understand the feelings expressed not just the words. To show that you understand, try using reflective listening. You reflect back the feeling and the circumstances for the feeling without attempting to interpret or analyze.
You are simply letting the person know you have heard and understood what they have communicated to you.
A reflective sentence goes: "You feel (feeling word ) because (circumstance phrase)." There are many feeling words you can use: angry, afraid, weary, confused, defeated, disappointed, inadequate, uncertain, frustrated, ashamed, hurt, insecure, jealous, humiliated, shocked to mention just a few. Drs. Dinkmeyer and McKay give the following example of a reflective listening response: The daughter says: "I didn't make the team. There were just too many girls better than me." The mother's reflective open response: "You feel pretty depressed because you were cut." This response lets the daughter know that her mother has heard what she has said and has understood the feeling she has expressed. It also allows the daughter to continue the conversation if she feels it is necessary.
Until you have experienced this type of communication , you will not understand how powerful it is.
In these stressful times, it is vital that we learn how to talk with one another in ways that are supportive. I encourage you not only to try it but to practice it so that it becomes natural to you.
First published in 2001
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